THE BEGINNING & THE END

During the past two weeks, we've seen the beginning and the end in our house...

In mid-September, K started her first year of preschool. It was her beginning. She's enrolled in a wonderful little Montessori school about a mile from our house. She is loving it. It cracks me up to see her leave the house each morning with her little backpack.

 

A few days after K started school, I finished. After four L-O-N-G years of a PhD program, I finally finished YESTERDAY. At 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I defended my dissertation. I did not look as cute as K. In fact, I ripped two pairs of tights before leaving the house - because I was sweating so hard (nerves and high humidity; not to mention being 22 pounds heavier). I left the house sweating like a pig in a pair of pants and a nice shirt. I planned to change into my dress and buy new tights while in Baltimore, but I never did. I defended in my pants, which actually made me really happy because I was able to hide my swollen legs, ankles and feet. No pictures were taken.

In fact, I am so big pictures of me today are few and far between. This is one of the few taken in the last week. This is my view these days...

My tummy is as large as she is cute.

FAVORITE THINGS: part II

This post isn't so much about a favorite thing, but a favorite person...

On Monday, December 20th I successfully passed my dissertation proposal defense. With my presentation and the Q&A behind me, I can honestly say it was a very positive experience. On the day of my defense, I was a mess, to say the least. Three hours before my presentation, I had a dress rehearsal in front of one of my classmates. During said rehearsal, I discovered that one section of my proposal (dealing with analysis of gene-environment interactions and a possible three-way interaction) was extremely confusing. I panicked, but my good friend helped me to simplify my thoughts and reword my slides. With less than an hour to go until my presentation I was fairly calm - I ate lunch and goofed off on my computer. I began my final preparations about 20 minutes before my presentation was scheduled to begin and I freaked out. I forgot to make copies of my slides for my committee and I started to sweat.

I watched as my committee members, faculty, and students entered the room.

I started sweating even more.

I was so glad I went with the black and white dress with a pattern on it instead of the solid black dress. I'm sure I would have had visible salty-sweat rings around the colar and under my arms had I worn the black dress.

I was visibly nervous.

That is when one of my committee members came up to me and spoke these magical words:

"You are ready for this. We wouldn't have let you come this far if we were not sure you could pass. Remember to talk slowly. Take a moment to think before answering any question. And remember to smile. You know more about your topic than anyone in the room. Be proud."

She completely put me at ease.

She smiled as I began my presentation. And she smiled throughout.

She asked me tough, but fair questions. And she always prefaced her questions with a complement. For example, she'd say something along the lines of, "you did a wonderful job explaining X, could you provide the same level of detail about Y."

Her tone and encouragement were life-giving.

She saved me from possibly losing my mind before and during my defense.

On top of that, she volunteered to be one of my official readers for my final defense. This means she will have to read, edit, and provide constructive input for my entire written dissertation within two weeks of my final defense. This is a huge and time-consuming responsibility. And she volunteered with a smile on her face.

She is definitely my favorite teacher of 2010.

She is also on her way to being my favorite teacher of 2011...

This morning I bumped into her and instead of greeting me with a customary "Happy New Year", she greeted me with, "at the end of this year, we'll be calling you doctor."
Talk about making my day.

I'm going to finish my PhD in 2011.

Three cheers for my favorite teacher and all of her words of encouragement both this year and last ---

hip-hip-hooray! hip-hip-hooray! hip-hip-hooray!

AN ABD PhD STUDENT'S PRAYER

Dear God,

My proposal defense is schedule for Monday at 1pm. That is approximately 30 hours from now. Between then and now, I need to make revisions to my slides, add references to said slides and get all of my slides reviewed/approved AGAIN by my adviser. Additionally, I need to buy new panty-hose and decide which necklace to wear - pearls or black beads. I also need to sit through my final class of the semester, host a dinner party at home and deliver 12 plates of cookies to neighbors.

God, I am busy.

I am stressed out.

I'm thinking maybe I should just quit now and go shopping (just kidding, sort of).

God, I have many requests related to my proposal defense. For efficiency's sake (mine, not yours, of course), I'm going to go with list, complete with bullet points.

Lord, please...

- help me to think clearly;
- help me to speak clearly;
- help me to not talk too fast;
- help me to answer questions with an ounce of intelligence;
- give my committee mercy and compassion towards me;
- do not let it snow or there be a snow delay on Monday;
- do not allow the lights to go off or the computer to freeze up during my presentation;
- have Professors MT, MB, and CA not show up - give them busy afternoons so they do not attend my proposal defense;
-help me to remember all the paperwork that needs to be signed by my committee;
- prevent me from spilling my coffee or lunch on my dress-up outfit;
- make sure I pronounce "POLYMORPHISMS" correctly every time I say it;
- ensure that my committee enjoys and appreciates all the homemade goodies I am bringing for them;

and, finally,

- be sure that I pass with flying colors and get approval to conduct my final defense in six month.

Thank you, God.

And it isn't too much to ask, please help me to sleep well the next two nights, not contract the nasty eye infection K had yesterday, keep my voice, and not get a huge zit on my nose or forehead.

Amen.

A NEW DAY

And today I am getting stuff done.

• Got to school early this morning - no traffic complications - and got a parking spot on the ground floor of the garage. Score.

• Finished a statistical analysis for my advisor that has been hanging over my head for a couple of days. Made some nice looking tables to summarize my results.

• Completed my General Research Plan for my dissertation and sent it to my committee members. Assuming no major problems, the plan will be submitted for approval in September.
  
• Registered for my last class EVER. Yes, I posted in the spring that I was ABD, but I was NER (not exactly right). Turns out I am a class short. So I am taking a cancer epidemiology class this semester. Nothing beats a class at 9am EVERY Monday morning for the next 15 weeks.

• Several weeks ago I registered for a virtual race - Mama Goes Masters. A local marathon-running mama is getting ready to celebrate her 40th birthday. In honor of this big event, she's hosting a virtual race of varying distances - 4.0 miles, 8.25 miles (her b-day is 8/25), or 40K (which can be broken into two runs). Technically, the race should take place between August 20-25, but I have a free afternoon ahead of me and all of my running gear in my backpack. I'm going to head home and run two loops of my 4.13 mile course. That will be 8.26 miles for me (I'm going to cut it short by 0.01 miles and make it EXACTLY 8.25 - promise). Looking forward to racing this afternoon.

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Yesterday I left school a few minutes early anticipating a long drive home (it was still raining). To my surprise, I made it home in record time. K and I went to pick up our CSA share - she wore her new rain boots (pictured here). We rushed home and had dinner at our house with friends. D made three pizzas: 1) roasted bell pepper; 2) shrimp; and 3) corn. Each was also topped with roasted tomatoes and onions and fresh cheese. The pizzas were paired nicely with a Rose' wine.

PLANS

I'm working from home today.

I have mixed feelings about working from home. On the up side, there is no commute, no need to pack a lunch, gym clothes or travel mug. No public restrooms. Two computers to work on at once. There is an window beside my desk, which is open this morning because temperatures are in the 60s with little humidity.

On the downside, while at home I cannot stop thinking about the mounds of dirty laundry or dirty mixing bowls in our kitchen sink. I also need to schedule my runs around the kids' schedule. They are at our house with their nanny today and I cannot let them know that I'm here (K is going through a HUGE mommy phase right now). I have to plan to sneak out while they're out this morning at the museum or this afternoon while they're napping.

I also have A LOT of school work to finish before the week is over (READ: before COB today).

So, here is my plan:

This morning -

1. finish the first chapter of my dissertation.
2. finish laundry - move wet clothes to dryer, put in second load, and fold and put away both.

This afternoon -

1. get out for a run while the kids are napping - included in this activity is taking clean clothes and shower items downstairs so I can return from my run and enter through our basement. I will then shower downstairs and finish working from there - as to not interrupt the kids' day with our nanny.
2. run - without walking - at least 5 miles. I have no excuses today re: running. The weather is perfect, air is fresh, and there is no humidity. 
3. post-run: stop at the store to buy a few key items we need for dinner. This means, carrying a shopping bag while running b/c plastic bags at the grocery store (or any store for that matter) cost a nickel in DC.

It is now 9:25am.

Ready, set, go --- first chapter, you are mine.

Laundry... I'll see you as soon as the kids head out the door for the Building Museum.

FIVE vs. SIX

I've had the luxury of working from home this week.

No commute. Endless coffee and ice water. No public restrooms. Two computers - one for lit reviews and articles the other for the word document that contains the first chapter of my dissertation. A window to look out (I work from a closet at school - great to have my own room and computer, but I miss seeing sunlight during the day).

There is also the perk of running at 6am instead of 5ish. To get a run in and get to school on time means I have to run around 5am. This translates into a run from about 5:15-6am. When I eliminate my commute, I can run around 6am and still get to work on time. It is such a luxury!

This morning K and I headed out for a short four mile run. We left the house at 6:01. It was hot and humid out and I was sweating before we reached the first traffic light (a block and a half from home). We set out on a normal running route and it was crowded with walkers and runners. And they were ALL so friendly. Even the college kid, who looked like he hadn't run or exercised in ages. He was all waving to my baby and wishing me a good morning. It was a delightful run; full of smiles, good-mornings, waves, and have a nice days.

It was SO different from the 5am running crowd. For whatever reason, the 5am runners are a little more serious/tired and a lot less friendly. Rarely on my early morning runs to I get any pleasantries. Sometimes a passing runner will nod in response to my friendly morning smile.

The 6am crowd was great this morning and I'm looking forward to more 6am runs this summer as I'm planning to work from home on Tuesdays starting in July.

Also on our run this morning, we watched the sun rise over our little corner of the city. We had to navigate around an enormous goose who was monopolizing the sidewalk. We saw several BIG backhoes. Unfortunately they were not running yet. We also bumped into several of our neighbors who were off to the metro early in the morning.

This morning's run ended with two big glasses of icewater and a cool shower.

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Today's goal: complete a full first draft of the first chapter of my dissertation.

Tomorrow's goal: edit said draft and email it to my advisor.

Tomorrow: spinning class at noon!

ABD

It is official.

I am A.B.D.

For those of you not in a PhD program or those of you who have never been in a PhD program or those of you not married/dating/living with someone in a PhD program, ABD stands for:

ALL BUT DISSERTATION.

Yes, I just turned in my last (EVER) class assignment.

Just a dissertation to go...

There is a small light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

PRODUCTIVITY

It has been a productive week.

To prove my productivity, I retired two pens today. Both were completely out of ink.

Yes, I have been writing a lot. The number of articles one has to summarize, categorize, and synthesize for a dissertation is astronomical. Just when you think you have covered every possibly aspect of your project and have resources to support your methods and analysis, another topic rears its ugly head and it is back to the library (virtually, of course).

Since I read most of my articles online, I take notes, write summaries, and create resource charts on paper with a pen. Yes, I am old school when it comes to research. I believe I am better organized with a pad of paper and multi-colored pens. And, yes, I do end up retyping most of my notes and charts, but I learn through writing. Ultimately, this is the strategy that works best for me.

I've been through well over 200 articles this week alone.

I've used a lot of ink. Two pens worth to be exact.

Throwing the pens away this afternoon made me feel like I've really accomplished something.

I'm estimating that I'll go through at least five more pens before the research phase of my dissertation is over.

Anyone else want to take a guess at how many pens I'll use?

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Other areas of productivity:

HOME: keeping up with the messy mess that is our house. The contractors have been working all week. We have walls and ceilings, but it is messy. There is a layer (or two) of dust everywhere. We're managing, keeping things as tidy as possible, and trying not to track dust to parts of the house that are clean.

EXERCISE: had two great bike rides this week. My inner thighs don't agree with my mind. They are sore. So is my bottom; bike seats are hard of the bottom. Also had a great run on Tuesday night. I'm getting close to achieving my goal of running my 4.13 mile loop in less than 35 minutes. Only 45 seconds to knock off. Tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny and 70 degrees. I'm going to dust the jogging stroller off and take K on a run. I was planning to run hills; not sure if that will happen with a nearly 19 pound toddler and a 30 pound jogging stroller. We'll see...

THURSDAY'S...

Funniest moment so far: watching K dance to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance before 7am. Sweet little girl was dancing in her stars and moons PJs, bangs in her eyes, holding her dada's phone (which was playing the music). Big smile on her face. Sweet heart is loving pop music these days and cannot stop dancing (or asking for "more" music). Favorite artists to date are Lady Gaga and Vampire Weekend.

Big accomplishment: taught a class this morning. It went well. Was asked a lot of questions; thankfully had answers for all of them. The regular professor for the course thought I did a great job. Yeah, me!

To do list: 132 articles to get through for the preliminary literature review for my dissertation.


Motivational treat: afternoon diet coke

Healthy afternoon snackS: (yes, I need two snacks this afternoon) grapes and a chocolate brownie Chif Bar

Big regret: forgetting my gym clothes at home. Looks like I'll be taking Thursday off and biking on Friday this week.

Dinner: Subway veggie patty sandwiches with all the veggies on top, toasted, no cheese. Such a treat; I cannot wait!

Rant: I'm in the middle of grading 30 literature reviews for the class I TA. It's a big undertaking that takes a HUGE amount of time. I just finished reading a poorly written and critiqued paper by a student who should be writing better and critiquing more critically. He has a lot of letters, including MD, after his name. What really gets me is he is such a cocky writer... saying things like, "I am, as an informed reader, highly suspicious..." What is he highly informed about? The topic? methods? analysis plan? the weather? HIS MOTHER? If you need to write you are highly informed and are not demonstrating that you understand the underlying concepts of the course, you probably think too highly of yourself. Get your freaking act together.

POETIC

(for those of you in church on Sunday, this is a more detailed version, complete with pictures, of what I shared during CC&C. For those of you not in church, you aren't missing much...)

The month of February brought 55+ inches of snow to the DC area. It was crazy. We went to bed one night with barely an inch on the ground and woke up to more than 18 inches outside. Total snow accumulation during the first storm was somewhere in the ballpark of 25 inches. And then it happened again... 20+ inches of snow fell on the 20+ inches that fell the week before. There were hurricane-strength winds and whiteouts. CRAZY.

Our little house is nearly 100 years old, and although it has been updated and renovated 50+ inches of snow was more than she could take. One morning we woke up to a wet floor in our sunroom. And soon afterward the drip, drip, drip, drip started. Here are a few shots of our "little water problem":

We tried everything we could think of to limit the amount of damage to our home. As you can see, we got creative - using tape, putty, funnels, tubing - to direct the water into buckets and other containers.

The dripping didn't stop until D went up on the roof and shoveled all of the snow and ice off of it. And not long after that we started to smell it.

It being mildew.

We called our insurance company. We had contractors and roofers in to look at the damage and give us estimates. And then the mitigation team showed up. As they were introducing themselves to us they said they would probably have to remove the baseboards and maybe cut a few holes in the ceiling to allow the wood to dry. Worst case scenario we'd have to cut the drywall up to the windows.

Or worst-worst case scenario

they take out the walls in both our office and sunroom, cut holes in the ceiling and rip up the carpet, and remove the carpet pad. Needless to say when we started dealing with the leaks we realized that the damage was far greater than expected.

The walls needed to come down and the carpet torn up and the ceiling diced. Sometimes you need to tear it all down, see just how ugly and messy it is, and then start to rebuild. We have a plan in place, good people lined up to fix the place up, and we're choosing new paint colors.

What has happened in our home has also been happening in my life.

It is all quite poetic.

Before Christmas I started to sense that things we not going well for me with my adviser and dissertation topic. I was seeing drips - unclear and changing expectations, promises that were not kept, and things not moving along as planned. I had the sinking feeling that the drips were signs of a bigger problem. I tried my best to convince myself it was no big deal. I tried to convince myself that the problem could be diverted or mitigated if I navigated it just right and was creative (just like we were in capturing our drips and thinking we were limiting the damage).

And then I started to smell it.

Only this time the it was the need to stop everything and reassess before moving forward.

After the Christmas break, the walls came crashing down around me.

I realized how extensive the damage was. I was damaged. Demoralized. Unsure if I'd ever finish my degree. I was lost. But I found guidance from the head of my department, just like we found guidance and reassurance from our insurance company. The head of my department set me on the right path.

And now I'm rebuilding. I'm on the right course (see a couple of posts ago).

Just as our home is being torn apart and rebuilt, so is my professional/educational life.

The similarities between the two situations are too many to name.

Thankfully, I see that rebuilding in both instances is possible and a REALLY good thing.

And there is hope that both will be better once the rebuilding is complete.

Our home is going to be stronger, dryer, and painted in a way that makes us happy.

And at school, I'm in a better place. And I know that finishing my dissertation is going to happen. I even have a timeline in place.

Sometimes the walls do need to come down. And walls coming down is messy and ugly and cold and hard to watch. But after the walls are down you are able to see what is wrong, what needs to be fixed and how to fix the problem. From there rebuilding can happen.

I'm glad to be rebuilding both at home and at school.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

During my sophomore year of college I took a class.

ES210.

It was hard. I read more in ES210 than I did in any other class. I spent SO MUCH TIME in the library that semester. (Note: to English majors/minors, my definition of a lot of reading is probably not the same as yours, but I read a lot for this class. Seriously.) In addition to reading so much, I also was required to keep a reading journal. My professor collected said journal numerous times during the semester and then proceeded to grade it. It was a painful experience for me. At the time, I hated it. Hated writing in my journal. Hated it; hated it; hated it.

But the hatred and pain ended up being so worth it.

During my junior year of college, I was starting to think about my senior comprehensive college (commonly known as my "comp") and I had no idea what I wanted to do. The professor that taught my ES210 class and made me keep my reading journal encouraged me to re-read my journal and see if any articles or areas of research were of particular interest to me.

A single chapter of a book jumped off the pages of my journal. I had a direction... I didn't know what the future held, but I had an idea of which direction I wanted to go.

The chapter was from the book Living Downstream by Sandra Steingraber. In short the book is looks at how environmental toxics impact human health. It is an eye-opening book and Dr. Steingraber is a wonderful story-teller. It was a page-turner. Seriously. The book interweaves Dr. Steingraber's own story as a bladder cancer surviver with the story of toxics in the environment and their impact on human health.

The book introduced me to the field of environmental health.

I was in love.

First it was the book.

Then a comp looking at the direct and indirect health hazards posed by intravenous bags used by hospitals. (Check out Healthcare Without Harm.)

Then an award for best comp in the department (yeah, me!!).

Next it was off to Emory for a masters in environmental health.

Then it was a move to DC to work on numerous environmental health issues at the national level.

I loved it.

And I wanted to learn more.

I got accepted into a PhD program to further study epidemiology.

Which brings us to the present day (more or less)... this past summer I accepted a position on a research team at school that would provide me with the research experience I needed, but wasn't focused on environmental health. I thought it was more important to build skills than to pick a project based on subject matter. This is all part of the give-and-take of grad school, right? Sacrifices have to be made in order for you to get through the program, right?

I thought so.

I went with skill building.

Ignoring my passion. Ignoring the subject that I love. Ignoring what I believe was my calling.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?

During the winter break 2009-2010, I started to ask myself what I was thinking. I was regretting my decision BIG TIME. I wanted to focus my dissertation on an environmental health issue.

So I dropped my dissertation project. I canned my general research plan. Deleted all documents related to the project.

And then I started looking for a new mentor and new project.

Two steps backwards to get one forward, right? I hoped so.

The process of dropping a dissertation project, being removed from my research team, and searching for a new project and funding was not without problems. I was scared being without a mentor or project. I felt like I was drowning. But then I had a heart-to-heart with the head of my department. Then I got introduced to an environmental and occupational health doctor in our department. And she told me about data she had from a case-control study looking at the environmental-gene risk factors related to bladder cancer.

Icing on the cake... there was funding to do the research.

So I'm out of the gates and running.

My dissertation will look at environment and genetic risk factors for bladder cancer.

I'm so excited. And feeling really blessed to have a wonderful mentor, great guidance from the head of the department, and a research project related to environmental health.

I feel like I have come full circle.

It was the spring of 1998 when I first read Sandra Steingraber's book. Now eight years later I'm focusing my dissertation on bladder cancer, which is the focus of one of the two main stories in her book. It feels like a homecoming. In celebration of this, I'm rereading Living Downstream. And enjoying it more than the I did the first, second, and third times I read it.

It feels so good to be headed in the right direction.

TALKING TO MYSELF

Often talking to yourself is considered crazy. When I hear the phrase, I often picture a loud homeless man on the street (drunk or high) going on and on with himself about something. Often it is loud and angry.

This morning I found myself caught by another driver as I was talking to myself in the car. Ooooops.

To be fair, it's a long 35+ mile drive from home to school, and I lose WAMU about 5 miles before I arrive on campus. I often start up conversations with myself in the car. Or I reherse presentations. Or, lately, I've been rehersing difficult conversations I need to have with person's of authority (nothing like having to tell the head of your department about your frustrations and need to make changes in your course of study - more on this in the coming weeks as several difficult conversations still need to take place).

This morning I was rehersing what I would say if I was at an interview for the job of my dreams.

Seriously, I'm ready to be done with the whole student thing. I'm ready to take steps towards getting a job that I really want. I think I know what type of job that is. I'm starting to get excited when I think about the fact that I may soon be qualified to get said job. I'm ready for the next chapter in my professional life.

I've spent a lot of time constructing goals for 2010 (yes, I still need to post them). Most of these goals, however, are related to my athletic and personal life. They're goals related to races I want to run, books I want to read, places I want to go with K, etc... I've spent VERY little time thinking about goals related to school and my professional dreams.

Talking through my dream job interview this morning with myself made me realize that this needs to change. I need to reprioritize my school work, get on top of my dissertation research and make a timeline to get finished. I also need to do some networking and gain more experience related to the type of job I'd like to get when I am finished.

So what has all this talking to myself taught me:

1. I need goals related to school.
2. I do have a picture in my mind of what my professional life after school looks like.
3. I need to make plans so I can get this job of my dreams.
4. I need to think of myself as a well-rounded mom, wife, student, athlete (if I could do the student-athlete thing HARD CORE in college, I can figure a way out to do it as an adult with loads more responsibility, right?).

What I need to do:

Put all of my goals on paper. And share those goals with D, my friends, and the blogosphere. It scares me to put my goals out there, because if I don't achieve them I feel like I will be a failure in your eyes. But I also know that I need some accountability. I need encouragement. I need to be open and honest with everyone so that you will understand where I'm at, where I'm going and why. And I want to celebrate achieving my goals with you!!

Me and myself will be talking on the way how about S.M.A.R.T goals.

Goal #1: have goals posted on blog before the weekend is over.

DECAF COFFEE

About a week ago I bought a 1/2 pound bag of decaf coffee. It was Dunkin Donuts brand. The reason for buying said coffee was because I hosted a bridal shower on Saturday and it was an afternoon coffee (or tea, but most people drank coffee), and the bride-to-be requested decaf. Wanting to make a drink that she would drink, I went with the decaf.

A lot of coffee was consumed at said party. It snowed last Saturday so a warm cup of joe with pumpkin spice creamer and cookies and cupcakes hit the spot. Even though we drank a lot of coffee, there was some left over. I put the bag of decaf on the shelf with the rest of the coffee and tea.

D does not like decaf coffee. And that's where this story begins.

We were up early this morning. 4:43am to be exact. K was all cranky in the wee hours of morning. With the help of my great mommy skills and wonderful singing voice, I was able to get her back to sleep for another 1.5 hours. I got an extra 45 minutes of sleep. Awesome.

At 6:30 D came downstairs to make lunches for us (yes, I am spoiled by him). I was getting my stuff together, organizing K's food, and eating Cheerios out of the box for breakfast. K woke up at 6:40. I went and changed her and brought her downstairs for some milk. K was sitting on my lap drinking her milk when I asked D to make some coffee for us. He was on it.

No more than five minutes later I could smell the coffee brewing. Finally. I could not wait for my first slip. I stepped into the kitchen with my travel mug in hand ready to pour myself a big cup of joe. That's when I saw the Dunkin Donuts bag sitting on the counter.

OH.NO.

D had made a pot of decaf coffee. Decaf coffee on a Wednesday morning before 7am...

I.don't.think.so.

I sheepishly asked D if he had made the DD coffee. He said he had. That's when I broke the news to him that it was decaf coffee. Within 10 seconds, D had dumped the entire pot of coffee, had water brewing for a second pot, and had placed the bag of decaf in the trash.

And what did he have to say...

Honey, that is why we don't keep a loaded gun or decaf coffee in our house.

So this is my public confession: I will not bring decaf coffee into our house again.

Also want to give a huge shout-out to D. Not many people can have me belly laughing pre-coffee before 7am. Thanks for the morning funny.

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K update: I got the call from our nanny around 2pm this afternoon that K was running a fever of 104. I raced home. With a little bit of Motrin her fever is down to 102.7. D will be home with her tomorrow morning. I'll be home in the afternoon. United States Grandma and Grandpa arrive on Friday. They cannot come soon enough.

School: I have a final on Monday - survival analysis. And tomorrow I'm sending my general research plan to my dissertation committee. I'll be working on revisions over the holiday break.

Holidays: we received our first card today, which means I can mail my out. Yes, this is a stupid rule I adhere to: I don't send my cards out until I receive my first card.

Sad news: our wonderful nanny is moving back to France, her home country. We are working hard to find another nanny, but no one stacks up. I'm so sad to be losing our nanny.

New Drink: D made this one up... "the Mad Mayan" - 1 part Kentucky bourbon to 3 parts Kahlua. Serve chilled or room temperature. I highly recommend it!

THE MORNING ROUTINE...

...of a wife, mama, PhD student, and marathon runner.

5:00am: alarm goes off

5:10am: out the door for a 3.5-4 mile run

6:00am: in the shower (downstairs - for fear of waking the baby by showering upstairs)

6:15: in the kitchen - brewing coffee (HIGH priority), assembling lunches (D usually has everything made the night before; I just have to put it in tupperware), preparing breakfast, packing K's lunch in a cooler which then goes in her stroller. All of this is done in my towel (cannot afford the extra trip upstairs -- too much time and no need to make an extra pass by K's room).

6:30: upstairs to get dressed.

6:30: average time K is up and ready to nurse

6:45: change K's diaper, get her dressed for the day, and pack extra diapers in her bag.

7:00: downstairs - place K's diaper bag at door (so it is not forgotten) and begin feeding her breakfast.

7:10: upstairs to dry hair and finish getting dressed

7:20: microwave oatmeal or toast my toast

7:28: kiss K and D good-bye

7:30: in car and on the way

7:50: on beltway to get to 95N. Must have breakfast (which I do eat in the car) finished because I cannot drive 75+ miles per hour and eat at the same time

8:30: at school ready to start the day!

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Getting up and exercising before leaving for the day is HARD. But I feel so good afterwards and it makes my afternoons so pleasant. I'm not fretting over when and how I'm going to get a run in. I'm looking forward to the time change in November - hopefully it won't be as dark when I hit the pavement at 5:10am.

MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME

For the past two years I have been a nomad at school. I haven't had my own desk, my own computer, or my own work area. I've had a locker; my small space where I could keep an extra pencil or store my jacket in the winter time. It's been hard. I've worked in computer labs and the library, but not having a designated spot to work has made getting work accomplished hard.

That has all changed.

I joined a research group over the summer. This is the group I work for and will be doing my dissertation research with. I really like all the members of my research group. And I really like the fact that they have provided me with a desk, a computer, book shelves, and an office. I share my office with another grad student. My officemate is extremely nice and we are making the most of our little space in the med school.

Not only do I have an office, but our little suite of offices is filled with other grad students and research staff. And we have a lunch room complete with refrigerator, microwave, silverware, water filter, and toaster oven. It is a little slice of paradise to me.

DEAR BLOG,

Yes, I have neglected you. My hourly, daily, weekly, and monthly to do lists are so long these days. I have every intention of writing; of giving you the attention you deserve. But the hours slip by and the days are a blur. Before I know it the week is over and another is about to begin. Could you tell me where August went? I seemed to have missed it (and the beginning of September) entirely. I have a list of topics I hope to blog about - so much has happened, is happening, and about to happen. Plus, I've witnessed some thought-provoking events during the past few weeks that I'd like to share through you to my readership.

You do deserve my attention. Here's to giving you your due time four times each week...

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UPDATES:

School is now in full swing. I'm taking just one class this semester, but it is kicking my behind. The weekly homework assignments are time consuming. After a long day of working, momming, wifing, and marathon training sitting down to do a couple of hours of regression analysis is not my idea of a good time. I can't wait for the class to be over; only four more homework assignments and a data analysis project to go...

Research for my dissertation is also underway. This has been a HUGE time suck. My adviser is hardcore (love her and really appreciate her attention and mentoring of me). I have due dates for everything and weekly meetings. At this point I have three specific aims ironed out and a handful of hypotheses. I have to have a methodological framework turned in by Tuesday. HOLY SMOKES. Then I'm going to meet with the other key members of my committee. After I get their input I'll put my general research plan together and submit it. Supposedly getting this plan through the Graduate Program Committee is the hardest and most time-consuming step of the process. Here's to getting it approved the FIRST time through.

K is growing my leaps and bounds. She got her first pair of walking shoes yesterday (she's still NOT walking, but is close; we're going to practice wearing shoes like a big girl when we leave the house). We spent some time at the Capitol Hill consignment store, Monkey's Uncle, yesterday. Many good finds were found. We are also planning K's first birthday party. Can you believe it? My baby is about to turn one? We're doing a birthday brunch with family and a few friends the weekend after her birth day. We're also having family pictures taken as a birthday gift for her.

I'm hoping to have the K weened by Thanksgiving. She has an allergy test in early November. We'll confirm then if she has a milk allergy. Assuming she doesn't we're going to hit the store bought ORGANIC milk hard. I'm counting the days until I get to put my pump away permanently.

Marathon training is also in full swing. I have two long runs - an 18 miler and a 20ish miler - under my belt. I'm looking to do another 20 miler today (thank God for the fall-like temperatures and low humidity). Then I have just two long runs - 20 and 15 miles, respectively - before the race. I've really enjoyed training this time around. The "ME" time is a valuable gift.

To do today: laundry, changing bed sheets, making baby food (she's eating SO much these days keeping up is hard), hanging the K letters on the wall of her room, ironing, and running 20 miles. I also need to do some school work/reading. Better get started...

FREAKING OUT

So I set a deadline for myself:

by the end of the day today (read: 5pm) I would commit to a research team for the remainder of my PhD.

In short, this means I know who my advisor will be, what general research area(s) I will be working in, and what type(s) of work I'll be doing for the remainder of my schooling. I have been at peace with this situation/decision for more than 48 hours now. Hence my deadline to just commit. But as the 5pm hour approaches, I am

FREAKING OUT!!

I'm not one to shy away from commitment. And usually once I make a decision I'm ok moving forward, but this one makes me nervous. It seems like such a big deal. It makes the reality of having to complete a dissertation very real. So I am freaking out.

I have the commitment email to my new advisor written in my head. I just need to type it out and press send. Why am I so nervous? Seriously, butterflies (thousands of them) in my stomach.

My journey of getting to this point - of joining a research team and beginning the process of working on a dissertation - has been hard. It has forced to to weigh so many costs and benefits; pros and cons. As the decision making process comes to a close, I am forced to realize that the actually journey and real work is just beginning. Maybe that is why I'm freaking out.

I have a long road ahead of me. My goal is to complete my dissertation by December 2011. That seems so far off. But it also seems like such a short period of time to complete so much work.

AH!

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Dissertation topic: will be revealed in due time. I'll post tomorrow about my new research team and advisor (because I am excited to be joining this group).

Today: must.get.laundry.done.

SICK

Shel Silverstein has a wonderful poem entitled SICK. In the poem little Peggy Ann McKay explains why she cannot go to school today because of all of her ailments. She starts with:

I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks...

By the end of the poem she realizes it is Saturday and signs off with "good-bye, I'm going out to play."

For the past two days, I have felt much like the sick Peggy Ann McKay. And, unfortunately, even if it were Saturday I would not being going out to play. There are a lot of germs going around.

I was worried towards the end of last week that the baby was getting sick. She was so grumpy and was not sleeping well. And her nose was running. She'd wake up with snot all over herself and her sheets. Turns out it was her third and fourth teeth cutting through her gums. The fourth is nearly all the way out and she is doing much better. But Friday and Saturday nights were KILLER. She'd easily fall asleep in my arms; was even snoring. But as soon as her elevation changed as I was putting her in the crib she would throw a fit. We spent several hours sleeping together - me propped up against pillows or on a couch and her resting in my arms head held high. At one point I thought about going to sleep on a Lazy-boy, but she FINALLY fell asleep on her own.

Sunday night was another hard one. She slept soundly until 2:30am, but was then up again, this time unable to nurse herself back to sleep because of all the snot. We spent some quality time together in the wee hours of the morning. Love her to death, but when you have to get up at 5:30 and the baby is still awake at 3:45 things are not so pretty.

I was sitting in the computer lab on Monday afternoon frantically trying to finish a homework assignment when I felt the chills set in. During my 1-3pm class, I got THE headache, I started shaking, and my tummy was upset. I snuck out of class and bought some coke thinking the caffeine would help my headache and the coke would calm my tummy. Neither worked. When I got home, my temperature was nearly 103. I was achy and miserable. D could not get home soon enough.

I took today off and took the baby to the nanny. I slept. HARD. I think the lack of sleep over the weekend completely did me in. I'm feeling better, but still have a mild fever. I don't remember 100 degree fevers feeling this bad when I was in high school or college. As we get older do fevers make us feel worse?

Anyways, I should be grateful that I'm sick and not the baby. And I should be grateful that our nanny is wonderful and even told me if I needed to pick the baby up late this evening she would totally understand. I was there on time, but grateful for the helpful offer. I'm on the fence about whether or not I should trek up to B-more tomorrow for classes. I'm thinking maybe going up for just the morning and then coming home to sleep. HARD.

On top of all of the sickness, I have had THREE bloody noses today. GUSHERS. I don't even want to guess the number of kleenexs I went through today. My last one was terrible and lasted much longer than the others. All of the clots from the previous bloody events came out, which was repulsive - especially since my tummy is a little on the rocks. To prevent another bloody nose, I've given up blowing my nose for the next 24 hours. I'm also running a humidifier and taking SUPER hot showers without the fan on.

Here's to some warmer weather and better health!

A MILE LONG

That is how long my TO DO list is these days. Honestly, the second on item gets checked off (and, yes, I do put little square boxes next to each item so I can put a check-mark inside of it after the item is finished) another item is added. I'm starting to wonder... why there are not 27 hours in a day? can I really pull off being a student, mom, wife, and marathon trainee? can I really survive another hour, day, week, MONTH on so little sleep? will it ever get easier? will my life ever make sense again?

All those questions aside, things are great. The baby is getting ready to turn SIX MONTHS OLD. She's sitting up with support, sucking down the rice cereal a couple of times a day, playing in her bumper-jumper with a huge smile on her face, and quickly out growing all of her cute infant clothes. We made our first TWO trips to the ER last weekend... we thought she might be coming down with her second UTI. We talked to the pediatrician and she told us to go to the hospital just in case. We went and found out she didn't have another infection. Thank goodness. However, something wasn't right and we were instructed to bring her back if she spiked a fever or started showing other signs of an infection. We were home from the hospital for less than a few hours when she spiked a fever of nearly 104. Scary stuff. Her little legs got all red and blotchy and she wanted nothing but to be held. We went back to the ER, were seen by a wonderful resident (Dr. Dave), and given a diagnosis of viral infection. Less than 12 hours later her fever was gone and she seems to be back to her normal self. I spend Thursdays and Fridays at home with her and am so enjoying our time together. Today is definitely an inside day because of the rain and cool temperatures.

School is in full swing now... I started a new seven-week course on Monday. It's an advanced biostatistics course focusing on methods for microbiology. As I was sitting in class yesterday (learning about statistics from incomplete randomized block trials), I couldn't help but wonder how I got to this point in my life. I'm taking 800-level statistics course (two this semester) and loving it. The classes are kicking my butt and causing my brain to spin, but I'm loving it. I cannot wait to put all of my knowledge to good use (yes, some day in the future I'll have to get a job!).

D and I are proud to announce/reveal our new blog OUR WEEKLY MENU. We spend a fair amount of time each week planning menus, creating recipes (D does this), experimenting, organizing, and talking about food. So we've decided to put our menus, recipes, grocery lists, and other food thoughts on the web. It's been a lot of fun working on a blog together and we hope that it will be as useful to others as it is fun for us.

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To Do today: reading, reading, and more reading. I have a chapter on controlling for random effects in a longitudinal analysis to read and two books on public health and GIS to get through. I'll be curled up in the living room with a pen, highlighter, and strong cup of coffee for most of the day.

Marathon training: the NYC marathon is seven months and one week away. Yesterday I mapped out a rough training schedule for myself. I'm not able to get as many runs in a week as I'd like right now, but am hoping the weather will improve and the little one will be strong enough to sit in the running stroller soon.

Marathon attire: I bought myself a really cute running skirt at Lucy to wear during the marathon. Nothing like cute clothes to help me get motivated.

NO PINK FRIDAYS

Having a little girl means everything is PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK.

From the moment we found out we had a little girl, the pink started rolling in... pink flowers and balloons at the hospital. Pink onesies, pink booties, pink tops, pink pants, pink washclothes, pink diapers, pink jammies, pink socks. We have so much pink that I now do white, dark, and pink loads of laundry. We are living in a world full of pink.

Now, don't get me wrong... the clothes are so cute. And I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts we've been given. I love that 90 percent of the little one's clothes are hand-me-downs. We have some wonderful, generous friends. I truly am grateful.

That said, sometimes I get a little sick of the pink. So this morning we started what will be known as NO PINK FRIDAYS. It will be the one day of the week when the little one doesn't wear pink. We'll put all of her green, red, and purple clothes to good use. And this doesn't mean she has to wear pink the other days of the week. It only means that on Fridays there will be no pink worn. Not even a pink diaper!

Today we dressed the little one up in some blue striped pants and a blue t-shirt. She even had on a sky-blue onesie. It was fabulous. To make the outfit a little more feminine, she wore her blue Mary-Jane socks. They really helped to pull the outfit together!

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Tonight: I need to do homework. I have a Vaccinology mid-term in a little over a week. I have lots of reading to do and flashcards to make. I made brownies this afternoon to help make studying on a Friday night a little more enjoyable.

Little one: her cowlick is back. She woke up with it in full form this morning. I'm so excited. It is so cute. I'm thinking of tying a ribbon around it.