Wednesday, March 7, 2012


The past couple of weeks have rocked me to the core. 

Between a nasty stomach bug, drama at work, and a fractured relationship I feel like my life has been turned upside down. After much crying, complaining, thinking, and laundry (yes, more than 10 loads to laundry this past weekend), I have lost my focus.

I’ve been a mess the past few days (read: week) - I just started eating normally yesterday afternoon. I’m not sleeping because my mind is going a 100 miles a minute. I’m freaking out that being stressed is going to decrease my milk supply. So I am worrying about that, which increases my stress and potentially deceases my supply. VICIOUS CIRCLE.

I’m sick of all the drama. I’m sick of the fact that there are instances where the person who screams the loudest and is the meanest tends to be the one who is heard.

All of these circumstances have caused me to lose focus.

And that feels awful - which is adding more awful to my life.

Yesterday I had a pity party for myself - three actually. Once driving to work (which ended with me crying in my car for a long time), the second in the office of a wonderful colleague, and the third last night on the phone with a friend. This morning I woke up feeling slightly better - both emotionally and physically (I believe the sickness is officially out of our house -- no more diarrhea or vomiting). I got off to work this morning on-time and attended my lunchtime spinning class.

While walking over to the gym I decided I was done with it all.

I am done letting other people’s opinions of me define who I am. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done letting the drama keep me from getting my work done. I am done trying to control the people, things and circumstances in my life that I cannot control.

And with that in mind I went spinning.

And I spun hard. Four killer hills. And a 3 minute sprint at the end.

I left all of my frustration, disappointment, confusion, hurt, embarrassment on the bike.

I walked out of the gym with new perspective and new focus.

I went back to my office and printed the following message and tacked it to my bulletin board.
Photo credit
I am going to choose happiness. 

The circumstances in my life, at work, and with friends, colleagues and family members may be hard or even painful. But I am going to choose to see the good things in my life. And to focus on them.

I’m going to focus on me. My future. My goals. My dreams. My loves.

And with that in mind, I am going to spend some time each day for the next week keeping track of all the happinesses in my life. I’m going to keep a happiness journey to help me to be mindful of my choice to choose happiness. Each day for the next week (and possibly beyond) I am going to write down at least three happy events, people, situations, dreams, etc... in my life.

Here’s to a new focus and a week full of happiness.

Happiness journal for today...

Today I am happy that:

1. I have a wonderful husband who prepared and packed lunch and dinner for me this morning.

2. I have a wonderful friend in Richmond, VA who texted me all day to be sure I was doing ok.

3. Next week is spring break.

4. A colleague heard a group of students talking about how much they enjoyed my class.

5. I got to FaceTime with D & K during dinner this evening. If I cannot be there with them, I’m glad Apple allows me to easily join them remotely.


Ruthie said...

Sorry to hear this. Hang in there, Becky! I love your "I choose happiness" sign. I also love that you channel your frustrations into working out (rather than consuming Reese peanut butter cups, which I am prone to do).

Sarah said...

Sorry you've had a rough time. :( I like your inspirational photo as well. Have you read "The Happiness Project?" I started it, but never finished it.

J. said...

Ah, spinning! Academic drama is very low stakes :)

Carla said...

i wish that i could be there to give you a big hug! i wish we were closer to each other. just know that love is coming your way from pgh!

Katye said...

Keeping hanging in there! I know, I know...much easier said that done but I love how you said, "I am done letting other people’s opinions of me define who I am." That is SO true and so important! You have to come first because when you don' can't truly be there for the people who NEED you. Yes, NEED you! Keep it up...keep your head high! You can come out of this!