END OF MY ROPE

I'm spent. I have no patience, no tolerance for anything unexpected or hard to deal with, no desire to do anything but sleep, and no sense of self left. It has been a hard 24 hours...

Since Wednesday I have been stressing over a dissertation project. I had several options open and have been weighing the pros and cons of each. Last night I was laying in bed and honestly didn't think I was capable of making the right decision. If I didn't have a baby or didn't live an hour away from school, I think I know what I would do. BUT I do have a baby and I do live about an hour away from school. So both play a part in my decision making process. I was WAY stressed about it and didn't think I was making any progress towards making a decision. So last night I laid in bed stressing and brooding. It was a painful, sleepless time. I finally fell asleep shortly after midnight only to be woken up around 2am by the baby. She has been sleeping consistently from 8pm to at least 5am for WEEKS now. And then last night...

I found her standing up in her crib screaming last night. She can pull herself up, but cannot get back down. So she screams. I rocked her for nearly 45 minutes last night. She was still awake. I finally resorted to nursing her (since she didn't nurse before going to bed because she wasn't hungry). She fell asleep, but only for about 10 minutes (enough time to allow me to get comfortable in bed again). I went back to her room only to find her again standing up and screaming. I laid her back down and patted her back for another 45 minutes. Sometime after 4am she was finally asleep.

At 5:00 she woke again. And AGAIN I found her standing up and screaming. I laid her back down and left. She woke up again. This time David went in, put her back down, patted her for like a second, and she fell asleep. Grrrr... But yeah that she was sleeping again.

She was up for good at 6:30. I nursed her AGAIN and pumped and then went back to bed. She didn't go down for a nap until 9am, which means we had to wake her up to go to church. She had a meltdown while in the nursery (along with three other little ones) and the nursery staff came to get me. We got home from church and she ate and went to sleep. FOR A HALF HOUR.

And she's been up since. Seriously, the girl is working on less than an hour and a half worth of naps and a terrible night sleep. I can't handle it. And am preparing for the worst.

On top of that, it is terribly humid in DC today. We're all sticky and ready for it to rain. I hate the humidity.

And, I also found out this morning that due to funding cuts one of the dissertation projects I was debating about taking on has been taken off the table. So all the thinking and talking and decision making I was doing was for naught. The department made the decision for me. Its done. If only I could have found this out on, say, FRIDAY.

Sensing that I was at the end of my rope, D took the K away from me. I'm camped out in my room with my computer, a drink, and a phone. I'm debating watching TV, reading a book, or just going to sleep. Those are the kind of decisions I like to make.

Here's to a longer rope tomorrow...