FREAKING OUT

So I set a deadline for myself:

by the end of the day today (read: 5pm) I would commit to a research team for the remainder of my PhD.

In short, this means I know who my advisor will be, what general research area(s) I will be working in, and what type(s) of work I'll be doing for the remainder of my schooling. I have been at peace with this situation/decision for more than 48 hours now. Hence my deadline to just commit. But as the 5pm hour approaches, I am

FREAKING OUT!!

I'm not one to shy away from commitment. And usually once I make a decision I'm ok moving forward, but this one makes me nervous. It seems like such a big deal. It makes the reality of having to complete a dissertation very real. So I am freaking out.

I have the commitment email to my new advisor written in my head. I just need to type it out and press send. Why am I so nervous? Seriously, butterflies (thousands of them) in my stomach.

My journey of getting to this point - of joining a research team and beginning the process of working on a dissertation - has been hard. It has forced to to weigh so many costs and benefits; pros and cons. As the decision making process comes to a close, I am forced to realize that the actually journey and real work is just beginning. Maybe that is why I'm freaking out.

I have a long road ahead of me. My goal is to complete my dissertation by December 2011. That seems so far off. But it also seems like such a short period of time to complete so much work.

AH!

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Dissertation topic: will be revealed in due time. I'll post tomorrow about my new research team and advisor (because I am excited to be joining this group).

Today: must.get.laundry.done.

END OF MY ROPE

I'm spent. I have no patience, no tolerance for anything unexpected or hard to deal with, no desire to do anything but sleep, and no sense of self left. It has been a hard 24 hours...

Since Wednesday I have been stressing over a dissertation project. I had several options open and have been weighing the pros and cons of each. Last night I was laying in bed and honestly didn't think I was capable of making the right decision. If I didn't have a baby or didn't live an hour away from school, I think I know what I would do. BUT I do have a baby and I do live about an hour away from school. So both play a part in my decision making process. I was WAY stressed about it and didn't think I was making any progress towards making a decision. So last night I laid in bed stressing and brooding. It was a painful, sleepless time. I finally fell asleep shortly after midnight only to be woken up around 2am by the baby. She has been sleeping consistently from 8pm to at least 5am for WEEKS now. And then last night...

I found her standing up in her crib screaming last night. She can pull herself up, but cannot get back down. So she screams. I rocked her for nearly 45 minutes last night. She was still awake. I finally resorted to nursing her (since she didn't nurse before going to bed because she wasn't hungry). She fell asleep, but only for about 10 minutes (enough time to allow me to get comfortable in bed again). I went back to her room only to find her again standing up and screaming. I laid her back down and patted her back for another 45 minutes. Sometime after 4am she was finally asleep.

At 5:00 she woke again. And AGAIN I found her standing up and screaming. I laid her back down and left. She woke up again. This time David went in, put her back down, patted her for like a second, and she fell asleep. Grrrr... But yeah that she was sleeping again.

She was up for good at 6:30. I nursed her AGAIN and pumped and then went back to bed. She didn't go down for a nap until 9am, which means we had to wake her up to go to church. She had a meltdown while in the nursery (along with three other little ones) and the nursery staff came to get me. We got home from church and she ate and went to sleep. FOR A HALF HOUR.

And she's been up since. Seriously, the girl is working on less than an hour and a half worth of naps and a terrible night sleep. I can't handle it. And am preparing for the worst.

On top of that, it is terribly humid in DC today. We're all sticky and ready for it to rain. I hate the humidity.

And, I also found out this morning that due to funding cuts one of the dissertation projects I was debating about taking on has been taken off the table. So all the thinking and talking and decision making I was doing was for naught. The department made the decision for me. Its done. If only I could have found this out on, say, FRIDAY.

Sensing that I was at the end of my rope, D took the K away from me. I'm camped out in my room with my computer, a drink, and a phone. I'm debating watching TV, reading a book, or just going to sleep. Those are the kind of decisions I like to make.

Here's to a longer rope tomorrow...

ALL BANGED UP

K is crawling everywhere. Seriously, the girl is on the move ALL THE TIME. She loves to chase after the cat; loves to go after his food and water. She also thinks its funny to crawl under things - such as her crib, bouncy chair or the dining room table. Last night I went in to check on her around 10:15 and she was asleep with her face plastered into the corner of her crib. Not wanting her to bang her head against the bars, I gently pulled her into the center of the crib. And what did she do? In her sleep, she crawled back tot he corner of the crib. I pulled her again to the center. And she sleep-crawled back to the corner.

Crawling is hard work. She gets tired quickly and will resort to sliding around on her belly when her arms are too tired to hold her body up to crawl properly. Crawling is also taking its toll on her knees. They are constantly red and bruised. Here's what they looked like after a morning of crawling around the house in just a diaper and top...



I need to be more diligent about putting her kneepads on!

DC IN THE SPRING

Thousands of people flok to DC in early April each year to get a glimpse of the cherry blossoms. And it is beautiful. The Tidal Basin and Haines Point are blanketed in pink. When the wind blows pedals float through the air. It's like snowflakes the color of cotton candy. It is beautiful each year and I love going downtown to see the trees in their full glory.

Another one of my favorite spring sights in DC is the flowering of the azalea collection at the National Arboretum. Tens of thousands of unique and beautiful azaleas have been on disply each spring since they were planted 61 years ago. It is beautiful, and unfortuately, not everyone knows about the collection. There are so many different colored buses - red, pink, purple, white, yellow, orange, and coral, to name a few. And there are even b
uses that have been bred to bloom with multi-colored flowers. It is crazy to see a single bush with white and pink flowers. Below is an assortment of photos from our visit to the azaleas this past weekend.

TIME FLIES

To MY Special K -

You're seven months old today. And you're sick. Last time I checked your fever was 103.2. Not sure what is the cause of your fever, but I think we have things under control now that I figured out how to get (and keep) Tylenol into your mouth. You should be napping now, but your upstairs "talking" to the duck in your crib. Hopefully you'll be back to sleep soon...

A lot has changed in the past four weeks. You are finally going to sleep on your own. You're still waking up in the middle of the night (most nights around 4am), but we've been letting you work through it and get back to sleep on your own. This method works most of the time, but not always. Sometimes you need a little patting on the back - your father and I are happy to give you what you need. You are also on the move these days. You're not crawling, but you move so fast on your belly. Long gone are the days when I can lay you down on the floor in one room and go to the bathroom or run into the other room to make the bed or pick up laundry. You're also pulling yourself up on everything. I feel like a human jungle-gym these days. And you are using all FOUR of your teeth to help you pull up, which means I have bite marks on my shoulders, arms, legs, knees, and stomach. I haven't figured out how to get you to stop biting... (suggestions?).

Your appetite has gotten a lot bigger, too. You are eating peas, carrots (not together, though, you don't like that AT ALL), pears, sweet potatoes, and avocado. I think you like sweet potatoes best. You devour them! Tomorrow we are going to try lentils with some carrots. I think you'll like 'em.

You are still not able to sit up on your own. I'm trying not to worry about this. You do a great job sitting up in your stroller and high-chair, but you just won't sit down on the ground. You're like a little weeble-wooble... you sit for a few seconds and then tip over to one side. Part of me thinks you are just completely uninterested in sitting up now that you are on the move. We'll continue on with our "sitting time" each day. I'm hopeful your tummy muscles will strenthen and you'll gain some interest in sitting on your own.

In terms of size, you're still a little peanut. You have such skinny legs. They've been hidden behind all the cute pants you've worn all winter, but now that the weather is getting nice I see your little legs more and more. They just make me smile. So skinny. At your six month doctor's appointment you weighed just over 14 pounds. You're weighing just under 15 pounds these days (by my calculations: weighing myself first and then getting on the scale holding you). You have a really long upper body (much like Michael Phelps - I'm still hoping you'll be an Olympic swimmer!) and are wearing 9 month-sized onesies and shirts. Your legs, however are a little short and you are still wearing your size 0-3 month pants.

You truly are a delight to be around. I love how you light up when your daddy comes home from work in the evenings. I love when you laugh. I love that saying "boo" over and over and over never gets old and always puts a smile on your face. I love that you still like to cuddle before bedtime. I love that you hit me on the sternum continuously while you're nursing. I love to hear your little voice. I cannot wait to hear you utter the words "Mama". I love the smile on your face when I come to get you out of your crib each morning. I love how you'd rather play with an old water bottle instead of your expensive, bright colored toys. And I love when you are a little bashful when we're out in public and you hide your face in my chest.

I cannot wait to take you to the pool, the beach, and the water spray park this summer. You are going to look too cute in your butterfly bathing suit and pink sunglasses!

Happy seven month birthday, baby girl.

Love you, Mama

HUMBLING

Being a parent is a humbling experience. And we've had our biggest slice of humble pie during the past 24 hours.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights were AWFUL. Some of the worst nights ever. The baby woke up before midnight each night and was up for more than three hours - crying, screaming, NOT sleeping. D spent the most time holding her and rocking her and singing to her. Desperately trying to get her to sleep. I went to sleep in our basement spare bedroom and occasionally attempted to nurse her. She wanted nothing of the sort - and why would she? She's eating three solid meals a day (peas and carrots and a little avocado now and then, along with cereal) and nursing 6 or 7 times a day. The girl is packing in the calories. I digress. Back to the no sleep.

We decided we needed to do something, but had no idea what that something would be. After nursing her her last night, I took her into her room and she completely pitched a fit. She was bathed, fed, in comfortable, newly washed jammies, and had the humidifier in her room on. And she was exhausted. So why the freaking scream-fest? After 10 minutes or so, I realized she was inconsolable. I put her down in her crib, kissed her, and walked out. Shutting the door behind me. I made up my mind that I'd give her 15 minutes alone. Afterwards, I'd go and check on her and decide what to do.

It was a L-O-N-G 15 minutes.

She cried and cried. D and I went downstairs to plunge the shower drain (we're having plumbing issues). We came upstairs and worked on dinner. Finally it was 8:30 and I could go check on her. As I climbed the stairs, I realized it was REALLY quiet. When I got to her door she was just whimpering. I left her alone for a few more minutes. By 8:35 she was asleep. Hallelujah!

We decided we weren't going to pick her up if she woke up again until after midnight. If she woke up then, we'd check to make sure she didn't need to eat and then we'd put her back down. Well, she woke up twice before midnight and each time she cried and went back to sleep. I even went in and removed her crib bumper (because she had plastered her face into it and I didn't want her to smother herself). She didn't wake up.

We didn't hear her at all between midnight and 5:45am. Not wanting to be out of bed before 6am on a Saturday, I waited until 6:01 before going to get her up for breakfast.

And today...she's been so stinking pleasant. She even went down for her mid-day night by herself.

D and I have been working so hard to get her to sleep. We've been rocking, swaddling, trying new blankets, playing music (or ocean noises), etc... And what does our baby want? To be left alone. It's humbling to see that she just needs to get to sleep on her own. It's also a little sad that she doesn't want to be a baby anymore and fall asleep in my arms. But it is also a true blessing to sleep for more than 5 hours without interruption in MY OWN BED at night.

Here's to a half-assed attempt at the cry-it-out method. And a baby who slept well last night.

May this be the beginning of some wonderful nights of sleep for all of us.

THE COSTS OF BREASTFEEDING

A little bit about our family: we eat vegan, use reusable bags for shopping, recycle, and buy things second-hand. We don't own a TV. We use reusable diapers and have only purchased a total of 11 onesies for our baby. EVERYTHING else was either a gift, hand-me-down, or bought second-hand. We use glass baby bottles and are making all of our baby's food.

And I'm really proud of the fact that our little one has only had one bottle of formula EVER. And that was her first night in the hospital. I was too sick and pumped full of drugs to take care of her.

When I was pregnant we decided that we wanted to breastfeed our baby for several reasons: 1) it is what is best, in terms of health, for her; 2) it is natural and a wonderful way for a baby to bond with his/her mom; and 3) it is WAY less expensive than buying formula. Our goal was and still remains to breastfeed the little one until she is one. Then it is ALL OVER.

The other day I was standing in line in the grocery store behind a woman buying formula and realized just how expensive that stuff is. Seriously, that stuff costs A LOT. If we were to buy organic, non-dairy formula it would cost us somewhere between $400-600 per month. That's a lot of money. Breastfeeding is definitely the way to go if you want to save cash. But there are some costs associated with breastfeeding. And they have been weighing on me this past week...

First, its a time commitment and a burden to a mom. You are responsible for milk at every meal and for every snack. This means (at the beginning) sitting down for upwards of an hour EIGHT times a day to get enough food in her little belly. Six months later and she is still nursing six, sometimes seven times a day. Things do move along a little faster these days, but still it is a time commitment.

And then there is pumping. If we're not together for a feeding, I must pump. I.HATE.IT. There is something demoralizing about pumping; something so wrong. I hate it. I hate carrying my pump to school every day. Hate cleaning all the little parts. Hate spending close to an hour a day in a little bathroom filling bottles with more milk. I also hate that I have to get up early each morning and pump after she has eaten (for my own personal comfort). And I really hate that basically you cannot do a single thing while pumping, except pumping.

Another cost associated with breastfeeding is the steep learning curve. It is hard work for the mom and the baby. It took us close to three months to finally get a common groove. It was hard work at first. Had it not been for Laura, our nurse at the hospital, or my mom, who made me tea to drink during the early days and posted notes telling me to relax while trying to get the baby to feed, I think I would have given up before the first month was over. It takes a lot of time and commitment on the part of the mother to get her baby to nurse, to not fall asleep while nursing, to drink from both sides, to get full feeding EVERY time, etc...

And finally, there are physical costs of nursing. Nursing changes the shape of your body. I have never been so top-heavy before in my life. My center of gravity may be forever different and I'm not sure I like that. Nursing is also physically draining. A nursing mom needs an additional 500 calories a day. I just can't keep up. I continue to lose weight (probably has something to do with the vegan diet). My current goals are to stay as hydrated as possible each day and maintain my current weight (which BTW is 12 pounds less than what I weighted at my first prenatal visit). Some people might think losing all this weight is awesome, but I'm worried about what is going to happen when I stop nursing her. I can eat like a carefree teenager right now. Will I ever be able to go back to a disciplined healthy eater?

More physical costs of nursing rear their ugly heads at the beginning... there were the sores and dry skin. There were cuts and blood. It was uncomfortable. They soon went away, but a month later her teeth started to come in and the biting began. The cuts and sores were back. This time with an infection. MISERABLE. It is a dangerous job being a nursing mother!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy and proud of our decision to breastfeed the little one. But after six months of this, I've come to realize that the decision to breastfeed is complicated; definitely not black and white. There are costs and benefits to it. I think the costs far outweigh the benefits, but there still are costs. To say the least, I have learned a lot and been through a lot these past six months. As the next six months roll on by, I'm going to try to treasure all of my nursing moments. And I am looking forward to the day where I can pack up my pump and put it away for a long, long, long time!